Affliction
by NotAfraid
Summary: He was Jack and she was Jill, except the world came tumbling after. It was her stupid decision that would cost Greg his memory of everything he had. And falling in love again is never the same. [Greg & Sara] ::COMPLETE::
1. Chapter One

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I am trying a new way of writing the story, so give me a break. The way the story is written is different, so see if you can catch on with what the style means

Story is in Sara's POV. Sara and Greg angst.

**SPOILERS**: All four seasons are game.

**DISCLAIMER**: I do not own anything affiliated with CSI or CBS. All I own is my CSI wall calendar, CSI box calendar, and all my CSI DVDs.

**ARCHIVING**: Yes to Krazy's GSAF - - all others, ask.

**EXTENDED SUMMARY**: it seemed like a dream she couldn't wake from. the nightmare was one that persisted to scare her in all her dreaming and waking moments. and the scariest part of her nightmare was the fact that she had to live it everyday. "i tell her i saw greg falling down the stairs over and over."

**RATING**: PG - 13 for language

- - - - - -

**Affliction**: af-flic-tion (_n._) A cause of pain, suffering, or distress

- - - - - -

grissom sent me home and gave me two days paid leave.

i don't know why he thought i needed that, but catherine later told me that he caught me sobbing after the ambulance left.

i know he wants me to go home. i know i should be home.

i looked down at my hands, and they are dyed crimson.

when nick catches me sneaking around the lab, talking to hodges just so i can stay here, he tells me to go home. what is he, grissom's clone?

warrick just shakes his head in pity as we pass in the locker room. i know what he is thinking, because most of nightshift is thinking the same thing - - they all feel bad.

i don't go home. i drive past a few bars, but after brass caught me drinking while on call a few weeks back, i tend to pass on alcohol.

desert palms is calling my name, and i drive. i might have run a few lights, but the roads seemed empty.

the emergency room entrance have these sliding doors that squeak when they open. i would think that if you work in the lobby, it might drive you crazy after a while.

i check in at the nurse's station, just to be polite and get a visitor's tag. i don't want someone to stop me because i don't have proper identification.

but if someone asks, then i could just flash them my badge and hope that is good enough for them.

his scream of agony and pain echoes through my mind, and i begin to think i may go insane. hearing his scream sends shivers up my spine and brings tears to my eyes.

i always thought he would scream like a girl and not the heart wrenching and painful sound he yelled.

when i meet his doctor at his door, he sadly shakes his head and says there is no change in his condition.

greg is still not responding to any stimulation, his heart beat is still erratic and they are trying to drain the excess fluid from around his brain, which too is showing no activity.

though, the doctor says that doesn't mean he is brain dead. it just means that greg is not in tune with the world at all - - which means he is in a deep coma.

but surgery obviously went as well as planned.

they have to bring him in for a CAT scan, because i told them that the sound of his head smacking against the concrete steps over and over was the most sickening sound i have ever heard.

that and greg's scream.


	2. Chapter Two

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I just realized that with the way I have written this story, each chapter will be short. So be prepared for some shorties.

**Krazy**: the only capitals you should have seen were for CAT scan. I only capitalized it because it stands for something. Good to know someone is paying attention.

- - - - - -

all i wanted to do is be alone, but every five minutes, someone calls about how i am doing or what the doctors have said about greg.

even though they all told me to go home, they know i stopped by to visit greg.

grissom calls around four in the morning, and tells me to sleep. to not sit by the phone for some news on greg.

how can he tell me not to be worried about my boyfriend?

nick calls shortly after i hang up with my boss and offers to come over and keep me company.

but him sleeping on greg's side of the bed, his arms wrapped around me tight like greg does, won't make up for the emptiness i feel right now.

catherine comes to stay with me instead.

just last night, while we were lying in bed before we got the call that we were needed, he kissed me and told me that he would never leave me or wouldn't die until it was his time to go.

i don't think i'd ever seen greg that serious before.

we laughed and he kissed me again. i was almost asleep, wrapped in his arms, when the phone rang.

i don't think that greg will die because there is no way it is his time to go yet. i haven't talked with god for a while, but i know he wouldn't do this to me.

god, i miss him.


	3. Chapter Three

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: This chapter is a perfect example of what a short chapter is.

**Orangebronco**: Sara was, in a sense, explaining that if Nick did come and keep her company, it wouldn't be the same as having Greg there.

- - - - - -

i wake up in a cold sweat. i guess i screamed because catherine comes rushing in to ask if i am okay.

she asks if it was a bad dream, like she has no idea what horrible images are running through my mind.

i tell her i saw greg falling down the cement stairs over and over.

except when he reached the bottom, i didn't have enough time to pull out my phone and dial 911 before his blood seeped out all over the pavement, meaning that he was dead.

she came and sat down on the side of the bed where greg usually lays down, and i yell at her to get off.

catherine looks hurt, but when i grab his pillow and shove it over my face, smelling _him_ and begin crying, she understands.

just a year ago, she lost her husband and almost lost lindsey.

except i don't have a husband and definitely don't have a kid.

i was hoping it would be greg and a little girl named alicia.


	4. Chapter Four

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Because of the way this story is formatted, beware of the way I have done dialogue.

- - - - - -

i am throwing up for the second time in twenty minutes and i begin to think about what i said about having a little girl named alicia.

because i was suppose to start my period yesterday and i have abdominal pains so bad it feels like i am giving birth.

catherine, nervously, offers to buy me a home pregnancy test, but i said it might just be stress. i tend to throw up when the stress gets too much.

and my boyfriend getting shot definitely fits the bill.

i think she is more in denial then i am. because when she leaves while i try and eat breakfast and comes back with an at-home test, she shrugs.

'doesn't hurt,' is her excuse.

i look at her like she is crazy, but asks, 'how long does it take?'

'just a few minutes,' she replies, with an expression that is somewhere between excited and dreading.

and the truth is, i feel the same way.

i lock myself in the bathroom, and greg's cologne assaults my nose.

trying to get it over with as soon as possible, i pee on the strip and wait in silence. i leave it on the sink and press my ear against the door and can hear catherine talking.

she is already telling people that i might be pregnant. damnit.

but at the moment, i really don't have enough energy to care.

a few minutes pass before i remember why i am locked in my bathroom.

oh shit.


	5. Chapter Five

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I don't think anything has changed so far. Another really short chapter. Eventually they will get longer - - I promise.

**Orangebronco **and **Sillie**: you two catch on quick, don't you?

- - - - - -

nick and warrick came to visit on their break while catherine and grissom came after shift with lindsey.

they think that no one knows that they are couple - - greg pointed it out to me one night that they indeed were.

that was the night we decided to tell the lab that we had been a couple for nearly three months now. that was two days ago.

everyone thinks that they know how i feel - - catherine most likely does and maybe nick felt the same way about kristy. but i don't think grissom has felt this way before.

warrick hasn't lost anyone yet - - he is the lucky one.

so much do i want to tell greg the good news, but his brain waves show that he isn't responding to much.

occasionally, when i am in the room with him, his heart monitor and brain waves will beep and both patterns change and i get my hopes up thinking that he may be waking up.

but after a moment, they go back to the way they have been for the past few days.

the doctors tell me that people in a coma can hear someone who is talking to them. so i try talking to him. but when his brain shows no response, my heart sinks.


	6. Chapter Six

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Nothing has changed. Thanks for sticking by me and reading. Please review - - even if you just say a few words. Reviews make a writer's efforts worth while!

**Brianna**: never made someone cry before!

- - - - - -

nick found me crying in his lab.

i was clutching his lab coat and smelling it, just like i had with his pillow. i found his favorite black flag CD and blasted it.

just like he would want it.

i had black streaks down my face and i looked possessed, claimed nick.

but when i tried laughing, my breathing hitched in my throat and i began sobbing again.

he grabbed me up in a hug and told me greg was a fighter. he would make it through.

he cradled me in his chest, his strong arms wrapped around me. he told me that he would pull through for me.

it was almost as good as having greg there.

almost.


	7. Chapter Seven

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Major spoilers for "Playing With Fire" - - consider yourself warned.

Also, I want to apologize for my lack of updating as of late. A few problems at home, but nothing serious. I am going to be gone this weekend, so I am updating a few chapters before I leave tomorrow at five in the morning (and on my day off too!).

**Airen**: just for you, I am updating two chapters. There are a few longer chapters (like multiple pages instead of one) that are coming soon. The deeper meaning I mentioned shows up around chapter 15.

**Orangebronco**: you can be my fan any day!

- - - - - -

no one knows what it was like to be awakened by greg screaming from his nightmares.

he would be thrash and scream a little bit, tangling himself in the sheets, and then he would just lie there on his stomach, limbs in all directions. greg would begin whimpering and silent tears would slide down his face.

to this day i am still surprised that the neighbors haven't called the cops after they heard his screams.

i would shake him lightly and he would scream again, bolting up in bed, his back to me. in the light from our open window, i could see the scar tissue from the explosion in the lab.

when it first happened, all i saw was his body being thrown back from the explosion. next thing i knew, he was on the ground, trying to get up. i saw his head fall to the ground, and he didn't move again.

nick came around the DNA lab because he heard me scream. that was when he saw greg lying motionless on the ground covered in glass and bits of lab equipment...not moving...hurt...not moving...

i would turn greg towards me and hold him tight, telling him that he was safe now. i would trace along the scars on his back, whispering comforting words in his ears.

i could feel his hands shaking against my back.

he told me that is why he wanted out of the lab...even though he had more control over it, his hands still shook when he went back into the newly reconstructed lab.

i look down and see my hands are shaking.


	8. Chapter Eight

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I don't think there is anything to say. Just that there will be news on Greg next chapter.

- - - - - -

when grissom asked me today what happened, i suddenly realize that i haven't told anyone.

maybe, subconsciously, i did it on purpose. i didn't want to have to tell anyone.

that is what i tell the team, who is in the break room with me and grissom, but they don't buy it.

'besides,' grissom says. 'i have to put it in the report.'

_oh great_ i think. _now greg is a case._

i still don't know what to tell them.

so i don't.

i'll tell them eventually, just not right now.

i tell them though that i am pregnant, and no one knows what to say. i don't blame them.

everyone pulls me aside privately during the day, trying to coax the story out of me. hoping that i can confide in them more then i can the team as a whole.

every time they ask, i reply bluntly with, 'no,' before i go back to work.

the truth is, i want greg to be standing next to me, holding my hand for support while i tell them what happened.


	9. Chapter Nine

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Like promised, you find out how Greg is doing.

- - - - - -

it only took another week before his heart rate slowed into something that resembled normal. and when i talked to him, his brain waves would change.

the CAT scan finally came back, and they said he most likely will not remember what happened to him - - his concussion was so bad he might forget more then the accident.

but at this point, whether the memory lost is permanent or not is still up in the air.

i started going to a shrink, because grissom insisted. maybe part of it was the fact that he threatened me with my job.

but the fact of the matter is now, twice a week or whenever i need to talk, i can go sit on the leather couch in dr. promston's office and tell her what everything feels like.

my first visit, she asked why i needed to see a psychiatrist.

i thought about it before i answered.

'after an accident at a crime scene - - i'm a CSI - - greg ends in the hospital in a coma. and everyday is a struggle to get through because i am scared for me, him, and his child. and i didn't even know i was pregnant with his kid until after the accident.'

i fail to mention to her that he is just my boyfriend. i think she assumes he is my husband, or fiancée.

she looks at me like i have bigger issues, but when i start crying and telling her that i don't know what to do, she understands.

for close to sixty bucks an hour, twice a week or more, i can vent to someone who i am paying to listen to my problems.

greg would listen to my problems and daily woes, and all i had to do was love him.


	10. Chapter Ten

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Here is a long chapter, instead of the normally short one. Sorry about the lack of updates over the weekend - - I was away. So I uploaded three Thursday instead of just one. Hope that made up for it!

**Erin**: Wow, thanks! Things are fine at home; I was on my way out the door to a four-day tournament for volleyball, so things were hectic!

**Krazy**: It is like pulling teeth with you! Anyway, yes I plan on waking Greg up, and have already written past that. Don't get your panties in a bunch and just be patient! Plenty more angst to come. BTW, what I have planned with the format of this story starts shedding some light at chapter fifteen.

**Orangebronco**: Always a pleasure! I sent you an email about the medical information.

- - - - - -

everyone is on wave three for calling me.

i decided not to go to work today, and i know grissom may be mad at me, but i don't care.

now i have a new routine. instead of spending every breathing moment at the lab or with greg, things have changed.

now i get up, eat a banana or some other small fruit, sit in greg's room until the nursing staff kicks me out around nine thirty, ten o'clock that night. then i go home and watch some home movies of us. i fall asleep doing that, and wake up cramped on the laz-y-boy greg loved so much. then i start over.

i was thinking today that the baby might not be a girl, but perhaps a boy. i already know what i am going to name the baby - - alicia marie sanders or gregory blake sanders jr.

i asked greg what he thinks of the names and if i understood his brain waves right, he agreed with me.

warrick and catherine caught me at the hospital one time while i was sleeping. i hooked up our VCR to the television and kept playing home movies for greg.

i knew he liked it because whenever the video stopped when i switched tapes, his brain waves changes to something much more subtle.

so warrick and catherine found me crying while i watched a movie where all i did was videotape greg doing the basics - - sleeping, brushing his teeth, making breakfast, getting dressed and spiking his hair.

towards the end of that tape were various clips of him in the hospital after the explosion, sleeping like there was no tomorrow. some of the silent ones was greg laying on his stomach in bed, head turned to the right, sheets wrapped around his waist.

you could see his scars when i changed the bandages. how pink and angry and painful the burns looked, trailing from his right cheek down his neck to various patches of burns the size of CDs on his back.

'you and nick were the only ones he showed his burns to,' warrick said silently, making me jump out of my seat.

the two of them stared at me like i was crazy, sitting here with greg, but watching movies of him.

i knew nick and i were the only ones to see his scars. he wouldn't let nick see them at first. but when nick came into the locker room when i was changing the bandages, it is not like they are hard to miss.

i stood up to greet my friends, but i was crying and my knees collapsed under me. warrick caught me in time.

he holds me tight while i cry into his shirt, whispering into my ear like nick did.

at work, when things got tough, greg would come up to me and whisper some racy comment, making me laugh.

work always got easier when i knew i was going home to him.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: This story is being written really quickly, so new chapters should be up daily.

Krazy - - about the name...I thought you would catch on. Personally, I have never known an ugly Blake, so I tend to use that name for Greg. But really, when I wrote this, I couldn't think of another name so I just stole it from my Untitled piece. So sue me!

Orangebronco - - I am a girl...just so you know ;)

And the story takes an interesting twist. Was Greg even supposed to be out in the field?

- : - : - : - : - : -

grissom called me into his office today, before shift. and i knew what he wanted to know.

'director covallo is pressuring me for the accident report,' he tried explaining.

i shake my head. 'he is looking for someone to lay the blame on.'

grissom stares at me intently, and i can see he is trying to remember some tiny little detail. 'he wasn't supposed to be with you out in the field.'

_shit_ i say to myself. _he remembered._

i wanted him out in the field with me. and i know he wasn't allowed to go out in the field after...

i won't talk about it, and no one will.

but when i told greg he could go with me, i nearly had to drag him to the car. he knew he wasn't suppose to go out in the field, after what happened. and i guess he knew i was lying to him when i told him that grissom said it was okay.

now that i think about it, if i had just listened to grissom, none of this would of ever happened.

and the fact that i had a hand in putting greg in the hospital is almost as bad a thought as the idea of greg dying.

i begin crying and grissom sits there and watches me sob.

_i'm sorry_ i say to myself and greg. _i'm so sorry_...


	12. Chapter Twelve

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Another chapter is up and running. I never understood exactly what this note was supposed to be used for, but I hate not having one. Please keep up the reviews - - love them!

Krazy - - good point. About the next chapter...I am out of school soon and should be able to send you another one. I am still trying to sort things out. It is a complicated story!

Padfoot4ever - - I have to send out a thanks to you because you have reviewed every Greg story I have ever written. Thanks for sticking by me!

Erin Kincade - - thank you so much!

Orangebronco - - I have been getting a lot of comments based off the chapter sizes. All I can say is that all the chapters are pre-written and ready to go. Sorry! But I hope to make them get longer as the story progresses.

Next chapter you will finally know what happened at the crime scene. Very long chapter in comparison to the others.

- : - : - : - : - : -

i forget about what brass said and stop at a nearby nightclub to drink away some sorrows.

it has been two weeks since the accident and i still refuse to tell anyone. it's not like they can go to greg and ask - - this is the beginning of week three.

some guys with egos bigger than there brains try to sweet talk me when they see me crying at the bar. they politely introduce themselves and ask if i am okay. then they ask my name.

'my boyfriend is in the hospital in a coma,' is what i say instead of my name.

that response either drives them away fast or makes them care more.

then i try explaining to them that he was shot on the job and the sound of his head hitting the cement steps over and over makes me want to throw up 24/7.

they usually go away after that.

after that, i sit and down another few shots.

greg told me that one time he was playing hide 'n' seek with some friends and one of the kids he was playing with was a real nerd and smelled like he wet himself. everyone thought the kid was mentally retarded.

so greg and the four other kids 'forgot' to look for him. that night, when jack's parents called, asking where he was because he hadn't come home and she was calling the police, greg went looking for him.

they found jack sleeping in the tunnel slide at the park a few blocks away. he was fine, and totally forgot that he had not been found yet.

the four boys and greg, to this day, have stuck to the story that they had been calling his name, but since jack was asleep, he didn't respond. everyone assumed he had gone home.

greg promised to never leave anyone behind again. that, when he got older, he too was left behind in social outings and simple games.

i just hope he doesn't leave me behind.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: This chapter is a beast in comparison to the rest. Also, this chapter was a really hard one to write. Sorry for any OOC-ness you may read, but I rewrote this chapter quite a few times before I ended up with this. Hope you like it!

Questions will be answered, controversy will begin to brew, people will be left hurt...and some may end up without a job.

Krazy - - well, what can you do?

- : - : - : - : - : -

director covallo called me into his office. and before i even saw the door, i knew he was pissed.

i was still putting off telling anyone what happened, and people were beginning to get mad.

nick was especially, since he knew greg was not supposed to be out in the field. not after the stunt he - - well both of them - - pulled.

you would think that him, grissom, covallo, and most of the team would be over it by now. it was over a month ago, but everyone still carried a grudge.

according to the cops at the scene nick and greg were at, nick threw the first punch. supposedly, greg provoked nick to do so.

when grissom asked greg for his account of what happened, greg said nick should have been minding his own business and let him do his job.

well, neither of their accounts of the fight flew well with anyone so both were off of field work - - nick just had a weeks probation, but since greg was not an official CSI, he was banned to his lab until further notice.

and to think all that trouble was over a mysterious substance found on a doorknob.

i don't know why cath and warrick were mad at greg, but it was only until after he was hospitalized that either of them dare apologize for giving him the cold shoulder.

nick apologized to me first, because he knew that after he got greg in trouble, it must have been hell for me back home.

i told him it was - - i had to drag greg to work everyday. his black eye was no battle scar, and neither was his busted, swollen lip.

in the middle of the night for the first week after it happened, i could hear him either crying in the kitchen, or beating the hell out of the punching bag in the extra room down the hall.

he tried apologizing to greg, but it was before greg's brain began to respond to anything. so nick felt like he had to apologize again once greg started responding to voices and stimulation, and again when greg woke up.

i finally reached director covallo's office and all he did was stare at me as i silently sat down at the chair in front of his desk. he drummed his fingers against the edge of the desk, staring me down.

'miss sidle,' he greeted curtly.

i nodded. 'director covallo. grissom told me that you wanted to talk to me.'

he scoffed at me. 'i don't just want to talk to you. do you realize what you have done, miss sidle, but not telling anyone what happened out in the field?'

i just continued to stare at him, blinking as less as humanly possible.

'don't you have anything to say?' he asked.

i sighed. 'what do you want to hear?' i asked.

now he was the one staring. 'i want to know what happened, since you won't tell your supervisor. and let me tell you, grissom is at his breaking point with you.'

'fine!' i shouted, throwing my hands up in the air. 'you want to know what happened?'

i am sure my screaming startled him, but he just continued to stare at me.

'i turned my back for two seconds.'

my voice was already giving away. 'and i know he wasn't suppose to be out in the field with me, but it was an interesting case with suspicious circs and thought it might help with his training.'

i could feel my eyes beginning to sting with tears.

'we were in this weird hotel, where they had a back staircase that led from the top floor, where all the suites were, to the back entrance to the hotel. just so anyone who was rich and famous enough to stay in them wouldn't have to deal with the public.'

_i tweezed the bloody hair off the railing. it looked like there was a skin tag..._

'i was examining evidence. greg was looking for more evidence...'

_'don't go far!' i ordered. 'stay close and look for anything out of the ordinary.'_

'...and at first, i didn't notice the emergency exit between me and him - - he was three or four flights down and around a corner...'

_'greg?' i called after i heard the door slam. i guess he must have gone out the door, so i go down a flight to check. when i open the door, the hallway is long and empty. 'greg?' i call his name again._

'...i called his name again then hear the gun go off.'

_i rush down the stairs after i hear him scream. the next thing i hear is his delicate, spiked head crashing down each step. i scream once i realize i can't hear him screaming anymore, and all that can be heard in the long stairwell is his head hitting the cement steps._

'and i saw him head hitting the last five steps until the landing. to this day i am surprised he wasn't dead by the time he hit the landing.'

i realize i am crying.

director covallo wears a serious expression but his eyes show sympathy and not knowing what to do next. 'where was he shot?' he asks.

'in the left shoulder,' i reply quickly.

he clicks off a tape recorder that i notice for the first time. 'you can go,' he says in a monotone voice.

later, nick has to come pick me up at the copper penny, because i am too drunk to see straight.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I want to sincerely apologize for the wait. My parentals and I got in a huge fight and I lost my computer privileges for a few days. But I'm back, and with two chapters! Again, I am really sorry for putting you on hold like that!

And the story gets even more twisted in this chapter. People are choosing sides, and it will get ugly.

Kathryn Mason-Sykes - - OMG! I didn't even think about it. Thanks for pointing that out to me from last chapter. I had Catherine bring it up, and will make sure to stay clear of the alcohol, unless...J/K

Erin - - yeah, about drinking while pregnant. Thanks to you and Kathryn, I realized my mistake and made mention to it in this chapter. And you think you know about the format, do you?

- : - : - : - : - : -

catherine's pounding wakes me up.

i grumble for her to go away, but she is soon in my bedroom, fuming mad.

it was then that i remembered that she has an extra key to my house.

she throws the covers off my body and yanks open the blinds, the burning sunlight flooding into my dark bedroom.

now is a perfect example of why i hate hangovers.

catherine stands over me, hands on her hips and lips tight. 'nick called me after he brought you home. said you were so wasted you didn't even know your name.'

i groan and roll away from her, but i feel her hand stopping me. so i shield my eyes and look at her. 'are you my mother now?'

as soon as i say it, i begin to wonder where it came from.

for a second, i begin to wonder if she is going to either bitch slap me and walk out or be _catherine_and try to figure everything out.

'grissom has been in and out of covallo's office all morning trying to sort out the mess you created. by the time covallo gets done with grissom, you'll be lucky if he'll even want to see you again. director covallo is twisting your story so it sounds like you and greg are the guilty ones, not the suspects.'

i sit up in bed and stare at catherine. 'what is grissom doing?' i inquire. 'and covallo isn't letting him listen to our discussion? he taped it!'

'yeah, grissom heard your confession,' catherine says quietly. then she looks down at her feet and mumbles something along the lines of defending.

'what?' i strained my ears to hear her answer, but she still mumbled and continued staring at her shoes. 'come on cath, look at me.'

and when she does, i regret my request. 'grissom called me when i was on my way over to check on you.'

i look at her, waiting for more. 'covallo told him to pick a side.'

'sides?' i asked incredulously. 'what sides?'

catherine goes back to not looking at me. she goes as far as to change rooms on me. she wanders into the kitchen and begins to prepare a pot of greg's blue hawaiian coffee - - i almost want to slap her for touching greg's coffee.

when she finally speaks, i almost missed it. 'covallo said to either defend greg because he had no idea what position he was being put into or say that both of you disobeyed direct orders from the supervisor, then didn't follow proper protocol, by not having an officer at the scene.'

suddenly, i remember that i hadn't asked for an officer at the scene, like i was supposed to. they were supposed to prevent situations like this from happening.

i just stare at her with my mouth wide open. the coffee maker beeps, but she ignores it. her back is still to me as she speaks again, quietly. 'grissom is defending greg.'

my eyes sting with tears as i watch her turn to me with a neutral expression on her face.

'i have a scene to get to.'

as i watch her go, i slide down to the floor, gasping for breath before i let out a jagged, high pitched sob.

cath turns one last time and shakes her head. 'you know what drinking can do to the baby while you are pregnant sara. you better watch out or you may lose more than one precious thing in your life.'

i begin sobbing and calling her back but she just kept on walking.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Here is a second chapter, since I made you wait so long for the last one. Hope you enjoy them both!

Ah yes, the infamous chapter 15. This is where the second meaning of the text comes out. Let's see if you can keep up.

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The doctors called at six in the morning.

I was at the hospital at six thirty.

Greg had drifted out of his coma earlier that morning and was now in a deep REM stage. He had been responding to sensitive stimulation earlier this morning. His brain waves resemble "normal" waves and his heart is pumping strongly.

I don't remember much after the doctor told me the news, but the next thing I do remember was sitting next to Greg.

I am holding his hand so tight my knuckles go white. It seems that if I let go, Greg'll drift away and won't ever wake up.

Sitting in his room, I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Greg isn't in his coma anymore. And now I can tell him I am close to two months pregnant with our child.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Here is another guess as to what the writing may mean. After this, your next chance won't be for another few chapters.

Erin - - I just have to thank you for your wonderful reviews. People like you make my writing worth while. I like how you respect the fact that I indeed _do_ have a life, and the fact that I have set format and chapter lengths. Once we get Greg into the picture, the chapters will be getting longer. That is my plan, at least. Thank you again for mentioning Sara's drinking problem to me.

Kathryn Mason-Sykes - - your reaction to chapter fourteen is what I was looking for. It was meant to answer some questions, as well as add some new problems to the story.

Em - - who said he was okay?

- : - : - : - : - : -

Greg is still sleeping. I have been in his room for three hours and have gotten two cups of coffee and made one phone call.

the doctors convinced me to leave to get coffee the first time. I rushed back.

when they came in again, I ask them what is taking so long with Greg.

their reply was to get another cup of coffee and call some friends.

so I call Nick and Warrick. both men seem relieved and promised to tell Catherine and Grissom for me.

I haven't spoken to Catherine since she came to talk to me at my house.

the last time I spoke to Grissom, he called to tell me that I have a week off, paid leave. just until things at work get settled. I'm still mad at him. actually, that's an understatement - - I am pissed at him.

when the hospital called, it was only the beginning of my first day 'off.'

I scoot my chair closer to Greg's bed and grip his hand. slowly, I run a shaky hand through his grown-out hair.

I have waited for so long for Greg to wake up...

...why, then, do I feel so scared?


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: That was your last chance for a few chapters to figure out what the format means. The next couple of chapters, after this one, are really long, so I hope you are excited! (smell the sarcasm)

I don't really like this chapter. I rewrote it a few times, but this was the only one I liked. Let me know what you think.

Em - - congrats on figuring out what the format means. You are the first person to figure it out! And when I said he wasn't necessarily okay, this chapter (and the following two or three) explain why.

Kathryn Mason-Sykes - - you are always right on the money.

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when the doctors came rushing in after greg woke up, successfully pushing me out of his room, i figured out why i felt so scared in the first place.

by the time greg fully woke up, i knew something was terribly wrong.

his chocolate brown eyes darted around under his closed lids. the hand of his that i was holding squeezed mine tightly.

he opened his eyes and stared at me. i could see he was examining me.

'greg?' i whispered. he kept looking at me. 'greg, it's me, sara.'

it was only a second later that he began to thrash around and i slammed my hand down on the call button.

now, through a crack in the door, i can see them sedating greg.

i guess nick and warrick had come to visit. the only thing they got to see was me fainting right outside greg's door.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Thank you to my sister Corinne for helping me with this story! Anyway, you will be finding out what is wrong with Greg next chapter.

Also, because I have been updating daily, I slowly lost my lead on you guys. I just finished Chapter 21, so I have to start writing faster!

With the stress of finals, I may not be able to write more or another chapter again until the end of next week, so I apologize now. Updating will be delayed for most likely this weekend and the beginning of next week. I will update Chapter 19 tomorrow, and possibly Chapter 20 Saturday night - - after that, I will be studying. Hopefully you guys will be okay for a few days.

Krazy - - "I am so sad and predictable." You are the queen of understatements, aren't you? (J/K)

**I would like to dedicate this chapter to Erin Kincade. I can consistently expect long, flattering reviews and tons of positive feedback from her. Thanks so much Erin - - your words mean a lot to me.** **Thank you for not just only reading my FanFiction stories, but also my poetry at FictionPress. And yes - - my day today was great. **

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when i wake up, the first thing i notice is that i am no longer at the hospital.

next, i scream.

at first, i was expecting nick or catherine to come running in, but instead it's warrick.

he stares at me with pity - - which i hate - - and then comes to sit down beside me on the bed - - he is trying to comfort me and try to make up for greg's absence, which i hate even more then pity.

'leave me alone,' i grumble. 'i don't want your pity.'

he gives me one of those looks. 'then why did you scream?'

my brain quickly comes up with a lie. 'because i didn't know where i was.'

warrick looks at me like he knows i am lying but won't call me on it. 'you want something to eat?' he asks.

'depends on who's cooking.'

warrick laughs and leads me to the kitchen. 'grissom wanted to, but none of us trusted him to make a normal meal.'

i stop dead in my tracks when i hear grissom's name. 'he's here?' i ask.

he looks at me like i had the rage from "28 days later." 'of course he is. after he heard about what happened to greg...'

my head shoots up. 'what happened? i fainted before i could hear any news from the doctors.'

warrick looked at me for a moment, almost contemplating whether or not to tell me.

when warrick finally spoke, i regretted asking. he looked at me calmly, eyes sad. 'sara,' he began, voice quiet. 'you might want to sit down.'


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Here is where things get complicated.

I also just realized I haven't talked about the investigation behind Greg's shooting, so that will be coming up soon.

AlennaDemi688211 - - shivering? Wow, didn't think it was possible.

Katharine - - crying? What is with people and emotions towards this story? Not that I can complain, I cried when I finished reading "Accidental Odyssey."

Krazy - - okay, I'll stop insulting you. And I don't plan on killing GREG in this story...but that statement doesn't cover other characters or Greg in other stories ;)

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i told warrick not to sugar-coat the facts. i am a CSI and like the truth.

'greg has amnesia, but not to a full extent. he has forgotten a few things, but remembers just as much.'

i finally take warrick's advice. slowly, i slide to the cold, wood floor, warrick doing the same.

'he remembers a little but about the people he knows. greg knows how to work the machines at work and he can tell you how important his job is.

'greg remembers bits and pieces of who he is and his past. but he can't name everyone in two generations of his immediate family or his own name. he remembers everyone from work, your guys' anniversary and his birthday.'

i laugh, but it comes out like i am holding back a sob. 'how did they find all that out?'

'asked him a few basic, standard questions for those who have suffered from major concussions like he has. the doctors asked greg about family, his work, friends, important dates, simple stuff. but when they asked him if he remembers how he ended up in the hospital, he freaked.'

i look away from warrick and fiddle with a scratch on the molding. 'how is he?'

he helps me to my feet and we continue into the kitchen.

i know he heard my question because i saw his body flinch.

i am still waiting for him to answer my question.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Finally! This chapter does contain our Greggo, the first official chapter to do so. Hope you enjoy!

A Bloom - - no need to apologize. Most people's lives are hectic right now with school ending. Anyway, even though you said you would hate me if I did any of the things that you mentioned…you have actually inspired a twisted plot bunny. But I don't know yet ;)

Krazy - - talk about impatient! Greg is in this chapter, and I plan to have him in almost all of the future chapters as well. It is a lot easier to have someone in a scene when they can interact with others (though in Greg's case, I wouldn't exactly consider it interacting).

Kathryn Mason-Sykes - - I don't much care for Warrick, so I like to make him the bad guy. In the next couple of chapters, you begin to figure out what exactly is going on with Greg. Because what _is_ wrong goes beyond him just not remembering a few things. And do you really want Sara to beat up Warrick?

- : - : - : - : - : -

I forget that there is even an investigation about greg's attack until nick shows up at greg's hospital room saying that he needs to ask a few questions.

I look over at greg. 'sweetie, can you answer some of nick's questions?'

just as I guessed, greg looked at me sadly, shaking his head. I knew he wasn't going to answer the questions. all he does is stare at me, occasionally smiling - - but not like he used. that spark is gone from his eyes and his smile is weak, maybe even forced.

nick nods in understanding. I offer myself up for questioning, but he says that what I told covallo would be enough.

nick only stays for a minute more before saying that he has to get back to work.

unlike nick, I still have an additional week off. covallo called me and 'suggested' I stay with greg for another week.

I click through a few stations from my chair beside greg's bed, but nothing is on television.

giving up, I turn off the TV and toss the remote on the bedside table, glancing at greg.

he looks like crap. scars from his stitches and bruises are the only things on the surface you can see. I know that below his pajamas that I brought him are more stitches and scars from surgery. on the back of his head is a giant bandage covering the hole where they had drained excess fluid from his brain.

his eyes have gone from a milk chocolate brown to a hazy, dirty gray. greg's skin is pale and cool to the touch. an IV tube runs into the crook of his arm, a piece of white medical tape covering where the needle enters the skin - - I remember how much greg hates seeing the needles in his skin.

greg's entire body looks frail. he hasn't properly eaten in over a month and a half. a small tube is up his nose, helping him breathe. his brain waves and heart rate are still being monitored next to his bed.

he is lying down on his side, facing me. he reaches for my hand, grabbing it up in his own. greg smiles and it makes me want to cry.

I stroke his golden brown hair for a moment and he tries smiling again. I trace his facial features with my hand.

'I love you,' I whisper in his ear. I can feel him squeezing my hand, and I know he is telling me that he loves me too.

slowly I pull from his grip and walk around the other side, laying down on the bed and snuggling up against his back. being cautious of all the equipment attached to his body, I wrap my arms around him, holding him close and tight.

I kiss his hair and neck, talking quietly in his ear, our hands interlocked and resting over his heart.

we begin to play this game. out hands still together, I have to squeeze his hands as many times as he squeezes mine.

it goes on for a few minutes, making me smile. but then he fake squeezes my hand and I quickly squeeze his in mistake.

I look at his face to see a huge, true grin break out. I kiss him tightly on the cheeks before laying down again, our hands connected still.

he falls asleep to me explaining what is going on at work with the case covallo and grissom have built up against me. how, even though no one has said anything directly to me, I know that nick, warrick and catherine have found a primary suspect in his case.

greg tenses when I mention the case. 'don't worry greggo,' I whisper in his ear. 'you don't need to worry about anything at all. I am right here for you all the time.'

he relaxes and before I know it, he is asleep.

I fall asleep to his light humming-type snores that I missed so much.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Things are getting down and dirty, and it isn't going to be pretty. Never mess with human emotions when it comes to situations like these - - yet, times like these are when you really find out who your true friends are...

This will be the last update for a while. I have finals and to tell you the truth, I don't have any other chapters written. I will be back by next week I promise!!! Thanks for understanding.

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the doctors slowly ease greg off the medical equipment and pain medication. i am excited, because this means that greg can go home soon.

he still hasn't spoken yet, and the doctors are beginning to get worried. they try and coax him just to say his name, but after his confession after he first woke up, greg has been silent.

i tell him stories of what has been happening outside of the hospital. like what is going on at work, what happened in my life. i tell him jokes and read him the next chapter in animal farm, one of his favorite books. personally, i don't think a book about animals representing communist russia is entertaining. but greg seems to love it.

grissom called me one day, and said that we - - him, director covallo and myself - - needed to have a meeting at the crime lab, about what was to happen in this criminal investigation.

greg begins to worry when i tell him that i have to leave, but i told him i would sneak in some of his favorite coffee, and he smiles.

he is smiling more often. him being more happy makes me more happy.

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i meet the two other men in director covallo's office. on my way through the lab, a few people stop me and say hi, sending their best wishes to greg.

it takes a lot longer then i thought it would take, so by time i make it to the director's office, i am close to five minutes late. i apologize, but both men don't seem to take heed to it.

grissom has some sheets of paper and pictures in his hand and is leaning up against a wall beside covallo's desk. the director is sitting behind his desk, flipping through a file.

'well miss sidle,' he says curtly. 'i have to be honest with you - - neither myself or grissom knows what to do about - - ' he waves his hand around in the air, not really knowing what to call it. 'so, grissom asked your fellow CSIs what they would do in his shoes.'

i am shocked and appalled and turn to glare at grissom, only to find him glaring at me first. he asked the _team_ what they thought? they shouldn't even have a say in what happens. how dare he! if he wasn't my boss, i might just punch him.

but i can't, because there is still the chance that i have a job, and i don't want to ruin it on a spark of anger. so i sit down and listen to what my _boss _has to say.

grissom cleared his throat and slid his glasses all the way onto his nose. 'i talked to nick first.'

he looked up at me expectantly, like he wanted some kind of response. i just sat quietly in my chair, lips pursed, knuckles white.

he looked back down at his papers. 'he said that you shouldn't have disobeyed direct orders from your boss about greg being out in the field. that your need to be with your boyfriend clouded your judgment and nearly cost greg his life.'

nick's sounds pretty accurate. very by-the-book, the way nick is. i wait for the next confession.

'cath said your intentions were good, but your reasoning, timing and your lack of thinking it through is really what got you in trouble. then you did not ask for an officer to be on location, like required.'

okay, i can deal with that. next?

'warrick didn't wish to say much, but he did say that something must be wrong because this isn't something the sara sidle he knows would do. he believes that it has to do with dating someone from the work place, but didn't want to point fingers at anyone and getting people in trouble for things he wasn't knowledgeable about.'

i begin to think he is done when he flips to another page. 'by the way, nick also thinks that your coping mechanisms are unacceptable. they are careless and not fair to others. he said you would know what this meant.'

and yes i did. he was referring to my one drinking binge, and 'not fair to others' was talking about me killing the baby.

i knew i screwed up big time. i called my doctor in a sobbing fit, insisting that i had killed my baby. he said that i would have already lost the baby if something had gone wrong.

and at this stage in the pregnancy, it isn't possible to check for deformities - - i would forever have to live with the consequences of my careless actions.

but i haven't told greg yet, and i don't know if i can.

i realize i have drifted off when grissom looks at me expectantly. guess he wasn't done talking.

'nick doesn't think that you and greg should be able to work with each other unless necessary.'

my mouth drops wide open. nick said that? how could nick say that? he was one of greg and i's best friends, and he has the nerve and go an say that?

out of the corner of my eye, i thought i saw grissom smiling. but when i look, all that is on his face is a look of sadness and regret.

i bet he is sad because of everything that has happened. i bet he didn't intend on having things get this out of hand either, which is probably the regret i see.

yet, if you look closer...deep, behind the glasses, if you know him well enough, you can see it...where there is no sympathy for those who bring unfortunate situations onto themselves, like myself.

and i see it now, raging like a wild fire.

covallo dismisses me, and i walk out.

i can feel grissom's pitiless stare boring into my back as i head back to the hospital.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I have to thank Dimenticato-Poco-Angelo for her review - - it has inspired the next few chapters. Which is good, because I had kind of hit a writer's block.

I just want to thank everyone who reviewed this story - - these past two chapters have had the biggest turnout of reviews yet. Thanks again! **Thank you to all of those wished me good luck on my final exams.**

The idea in which I have pitched this chapter, about what is up with Greg may be confusing, so don't be afraid to ask me questions in your reviews.

**I did research for this chapter about memory and amnesia, since it is important to my readers - - myself included - - to keep the medical information factual and realistic.**

Sorry it took me so long to update - - I had a friend come over and spend the night, to celebrate school getting out for the summer. We had fun and slept in until 12:45 the next day. That, and the fact that I had to finish the chapter, is what kept me from updating.

I don't much care for how I ended this chapter. There was just a lot of stuff running through my mind (so it was forced through Sara's head) and I wanted to get it all out there. And it was late and I just wanted to get it up, because I felt like I owed it to you guys.

Depending on which direction I am taking this story will determine how long until the next chapter is up. Sorry, but life for the next three weeks are the busiest of my summer. I apologize greatly and won't keep you hanging for long. Promise!

**Krazy**: well, if you are insisting staring the BRING BACK THE CAPITALS campaign, I guess you figured out what the writing meant? Yeah, I haven't really decided how to make everyone happy again. I actually thought I might end the story and have everyone not fully happy again...but that's just one idea ;)

**Kathryn Mason-Sykes**: it's kind of hard to distinguish between who is right and who is wrong. Because if Sara hadn't taken Greg, she could be dead right now. The only thing that saved Greg was having someone there with him. But if Nick had gone with Sara, he might the one in Greg's position right now. In this case it just happened to be Greg. Greg, who isn't supposed to be out in the field and Greg who is Sara's boyfriend.

**Sillie**: excellent assessment. You should realize, by now I would hope, that all of this goes beyond an accident at a crime scene.

**Em**: there is a reason why he is your second boyfriend. But you have to give Warrick credit for keeping his mouth shut and opinion to himself even when Grissom asked for it.

**Orangebronco**: God, sounds like fun! I am going to Disney World this summer for ten days, so I'll be thinking of you. And you are welcome about me using the correct terminology in Chapter 21 - - you aren't the only one who thanked me about that. I like to make things angsty, yet realistic at the same time. Give you the best of both worlds. And Nick _sort of _made himself look like an asshole. It depends on how you look at it [and now I sound like a hypocrite after writing that really long message to Kathryn Mason-Sykes above. Oh well, what can you do?].

**A Bloom**: Sara didn't lose the child. Sorry if I gave you that impression! Anyway, I am glad that you caught onto the fact about the Greg remembering Sara bit. I _never_ said that Greg remembered Sara. And based off your review, about what would be _really _sad to happen, I got my inspiration!

**Erin Kincade**: **I cried when I read your wonderful review. People like you brighten up my day immediately. And when I read your review...words can't even explain how happy you make me feel. You are welcome for the realistic description of Greg and I know what you mean - - it does bug the hell out of me sometimes too. Thank you for taking your time and writing such kick ass reviews for me. And as always, after reading your reviews, I am having a great day. Hope you are too.**

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so i tell greg today, after three weeks, that i am pregnant with our kid.

he seemed so excited that i almost regretted telling him that i could have done serious damage with my two alcohol binge experiences after conception of our child.

greg leaned over the side of the bed and threw up what little was in his stomach.

for the rest of the afternoon, he won't look at me. he just pretends to sleep.

his doctor calls me into his office today so we can talk about what is going on with greg.

i guess that greg had PTSD from the attack. greg's doctor says this is to be expected in situations like these, and not to worry about anything. his silence is most likely connected to the PTSD.

his type of amnesia also has a name, though it falls under a variety of different types. he has emtional/hysterical amnesia, where memory loss occurs after a psychological trauma. he also has retrograde amnesia, which is the inability to remember events that occurred before the incident of trauma.

they said that greg may never fully remember the events during and after the "accident" at the crime scene. his doctors said that as we speak, his intermediate long-term memory - - memories that last a few days to weeks, but are forgotten unless moved to long-term memory - - may be clearing out. starting fresh with a clean slate.

everything he had begun to learn and perhaps remember could all be for nothing, because greg might wake up in the morning and everything may start over. just like when he first woke up - - the confession, unfamiliarity, uneasiness, all of it. the weeks of silence and awkward moments.

it would be equivalent to lucy from 50 first dates.

i guess nick and catherine showed up when i was in the doctor's office. they showed greg a picture of a potential suspect, and they wanted to know if greg recognized him.

his answer was throwing up on their shoes and literally freaking out. greg pulled out his IV by accident as he tried running from his bed. he screamed - - the first noise he has made since the confession - - and it wasn't very loud. his screams were hoarse and hurt his throat, so he didn't scream for long.

by the time i made it back to his room, he was sedated and his IV was attached again.

the orderlies were lecturing the two CSIs on their careless behavior around such a critical patient. they saw me and apologized.

i was still so fazed at this point about what was going on with greg and how he freaked when i told him about the news of our child, i didn't really care.

nick and catherine leave when i ask them too. although both of them really seem upset, they don't complain or ask any questions.

greg wakes up later and watches me as i sit by his bed, giving me the same look as when he first woke up. his eyes are clouded over with doubt and uneasiness and unfamiliarity.

i get it finally, and that night when i am at home lying by myself on _our_ bed, i thinks about it - - he may know who i am, but he doesn't _know_ me.

he knows me because i am there everyday. because he knows we share an anniversary. because i am pregnant with his child, work with him..._love him_.

there is still a question i need answered and i am sick of talking to doctors and asking them questions, so i go and talk to grissom at the crime lab.

as much as i hate to admit it, grissom knows a lot of useful information - - and his fair share of stupid facts as well. there are many cases that we couldn't have solved without his extensive knowledge. like the one where the "candy man" died from eating too many choco-bees - - that case was solved thanks to grissom's extensive knowledge of stupid stuff.

grissom is startled to hear me knocking on his door, asking if i can come in. i am still on paid leave.

'sara,' he says, lowering the case file in his hands. 'can i help you with something?'

i sit down and wonder what the hell i am suppose to say. 'is it possible for someone with amnesia to know you, but not _know _you?'

for a second, i begin to wonder if he understands what i just said. but then he gets that look in his eye and i know he is thinking it over.

'i suppose,' he answers truthfully. 'amnesia can be a fickle thing, sara, and no two cases are the same. the things forgotten and remembered vary from person to person.'

i'm not satisfied with that answer. 'can greg know me, but not know me like before? can he remember how much he used to love me and how much he means to me? is it possible - - "

my voice cracks and i stop. i can't bring myself to say it and by the look on his face he knows i am having a hard time talking about it. and part of me thinks that he knows what i want to ask.

'sara, you don't have to talk about it with me. maybe with greg's doctor or nick or cath - - even warrick might be easier to talk to.'

i bat away the idea with my hand. 'i am sick of the doctors and their pile of medical lingo crap. nick and catherine haven't left me alone since they started the investigation and i haven't seen warrick since i crashed at his house. you know the facts and can tell me straight up what i want to know.'

i look at him and realize that i may have spoken harsher then i meant to. 'sorry,' i mumbled.

i try and talk again and he leans forward. i stop and close my mouth, before opening it again. nothing comes out, but i need it to. there are questions i need to ask and answers i need to hear.

grissom slides a post-it note and pen across the desk at me. i hesitate before grabbing the pen and scribbling "_is it possible for greg to have to fall in love with me again?_"

it would be sad if greg had to fall in love with me again, because it wouldn't be the same as the first time he fell in love with me. he won't hold me the same way, won't know the right things to say to make me smile. won't know my favorite type of shampoo, won't know how long i like to cook my eggs.

he wouldn't know all of his annoying little habits that i have learned to love. greg wouldn't know our wednesday night tradition of watching an old hitchcock or horror film while eating TV dinners. greg wouldn't know where i was most ticklish or that i hate people touching my feet.

grissom looks at the post-it after i slide it back towards him. 'it's plausible sara,' he says quietly, like he is speaking the wisest words. 'there is no way to tell in greg's case. with amnesia...most cases only last a few seconds to a few hours. but greg's trauma was so severe that this could last for months, perhaps years.'

i wanted to yell at grissom and tell him everything the doctor had explained to me. that greg could be forgetting everything as he sleeps and that is why there isn't any progress in his emotional and mental health. that greg has PTSD and that the silence is par for the course. i want to tell him that the doctors _implied_ that greg wasn't okay.

but silence speaks louder than words and grissom just nods, knowing everything that is going on without _really_ knowing.

sometimes, i think everyone knows what is going on and i don't. like it's a big secret and i'm out of the loop.

as i excuse myself from grissom's office and tell myself that i can just go back to the hospital and be with greg, it hits me.

greg doesn't know who i am. he doesn't know he loves me and doesn't know how excited he should be about being a father. greg always wanted to settle down and have a family and kids.

except the man at the hospital isn't really greg. he is...i don't know who he is. but that isn't the man i fell in love with months ago.

i clutch my stomach. catherine told me the other day i am going to start showing soon and if i ever needed help getting ready for the baby that she is there for me.

if greg were here, he wouldn't be able to stop bouncing off the walls in excitement. he was going to be a father and would finally settle down.

i sigh when i think about the fact that he would propose to me, because he would want to be there for his child and thinks that only couples who are wed should bear children, so he would insist.

it would be an elegant, traditional wedding with white wedding dresses and giant white roses. the wedding would be in california where we were both born and raised. our family and friends would be invited and then our honeymoon would be in hawaii or europe, because neither one of us have been there before.

but greg doesn't even know who i am and i don't think he fully understands that i am bearing his child and that we were only a couple three months prior to him being injured at the crime scene. hell, i don't even think i know him anymore.

i go home and decide to be with the only people i have left - - myself and my unborn child.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I want to apologize deeply for not updating. My computer has been having quite a few problems as of late and my dad had to bring my laptop into work for a couple of days. So I owe you with a long chapter with some answers to some stuff.

It is surprising how many people are concerned about what is going to happen to Sara. Although only a few mentioned the lack Greg, most of you were concerned about how Sara is dealing with everything. Which is surprising, since just a few chapters ago everyone hated Sara.

**A FEW THINGS:**

**1.** This chapter has been written differently than the others, just because there are so many emotions going on at once. So watched the text to figure out how the mood is. Also, the format of this chapter can be confusing; so don't be afraid to ask what the hell is going on in your reviews.

**2.** I am leaving tomorrow (Thursday) at six in the morning for a weeklong volleyball tournament in Reno, Nevada. I start play Sunday and go until next Friday, yet I have to be checked in the hotel by Friday night. Because of this, I will not be able to update until _next _Saturday at the earliest. I will be writing on the trip, because it is a ten and a half hour car ride.

**3.** This is **not** the last chapter, no matter what you think after reading the entire thing! I don't know for sure yet, but we are nearing the end of the story. There will be a few chapters left after this one.

**Krazy**: you are sick and twisted. You know that, right? Sick and twisted...shivers

**Sillie**: at this point, Sara really doesn't know what to do. I think she wants to be strong for Greg, but doesn't think she can, because she has to be strong for herself as well. It's complicated, even for me to explain.

**Dimenticato-Poco-Angelo**: I thought people would much appreciate me going into specifics about the coma.

**Kathryn Mason-Sykes**: see, you are coming around! You do care about what is happening to Sara.

**A Bloom**: that's what you get! But don't worry - - I am going to end this story with an ending that hopefully will satisfy everyone.

**Orangebronco**: it's not as much that Greg knows the person that attacked him, as it is that fact that Greg recognizes him. And no, I don't plan on having the attacker be someone we (or Greg) know.

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It is a traditional wedding with white roses and satin pink ribbons.

_I, Greg, take you, Sara, to be my wife; to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, as long as we both shall live._

The vows are traditional and the little flower girls - - including my little Alicia Marie - - sit quietly in the front row next to our parents.

_I, Sara, take you, Greg, to be none other than yourself. I promise to stand by your side; to encourage you, and be open and honest with you; to laugh with you and cry with you; to always love and honor you; both freed and bound by our love 'til death do us part._

His smile lights up the entire room as the priest speaks his last words.

_By the power invested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride._

The world seems to go silent and hinder on it's axis while we stand at the alter, lips locked together. And then he pulls me down the isle with him and we wave goodbye and we race out to our limo. Our honeymoon is a month-long trip around Europe, like I have always wanted.

_Have fun on your trip mommy! Bring me back some dollies!_

I kiss little Alicia Marie goodbye and give her back to Greg and Greg pulls me into the limo. We wave one last time and the chafer closes the door.

_Let me help you with that._

Greg smiles as he helps me peel out of my dress. The driver is bringing Greg's tuxedo and my dress back to my house after he drops us off at the airport.

"I love you Greg."

He looks at me like I just stated the obvious. But when I think about it, it really isn't obvious to me.

_I love you too_.

maybe I only married him because his name was Greg. maybe, for me, that just made sense. since I couldn't have Greg, I would just get another one. maybe, when I sit awake in our bed, wrapped in the safety of his arms, his name being Greg will make all the sense in the world as to why I married him. his name will keep me from walking back to the one and only Greg I have ever loved. because in the end I have a Greg, and that must count for something.

_are you okay?_

we're on our way to Europe and last time the pilot checked in, we were flying over the Mississippi river. Greg and I have a layover in Newark airport in jersey then we are jet setting across the Atlantic and landing in the United Kingdom at the ass-crack of dawn their time.

_I'm fine_.

this isn't supposed to be _our_ honeymoon. I was supposed to fly to Europe with _my_ greg, not the greg sitting next to me. I should be at home with alicia marie and her dad, watching old, corny horror flicks because today is wednesday and that is what we do on wednesdays.

_you want to sleep for a little bit? we've had a long day today and I don't want my wife tired for this trip._

I close my eyes and lay against him, pretending to sleep. I can't sleep even if I tried and part of me wants to use the phone in the seat in front of me and call my real greg and tell him that I really tried, and I really wanted things to work out. and that this isn't what I wanted or expected or asked for or dreamed of.

_peanuts?_

and I laugh to myself, because I know greg hates peanuts. but greg takes a few bags, saving some for when I wake up, and eats them greedily while watching some crime scandal movie on the television mounted on the ceiling.

"I miss you greg."

except greg can't hear me and greg has his headphones on so he doesn't respond. I open my eyes and for a second I think I see Greg across the row from me, bobbing his head to the music running through his headphones on his ears.

_peanuts?_

the boy looks up at the flight attendant and slides the headphones from his ears. and I notice that it isn't greg sitting just an aisle over, but someone much younger with lighter brown hair that is indeed spiked, and a funky looking button down shirt.

_peanuts?_

_no, but thanks anyway._

he sees me looking at him and he smiles, before replacing the headphones back onto his ears and going back to reading his book. that is how I last remember greg - - in the lab, dancing around to the music running through his head phones, wearing wacky shirts and his hair spiked in every direction. that was the last time I _really_ saw greg. because every since he hit his head at the crime scene and was shot, he hasn't been the same.

"sara?"

i don't even refer to it as the accident anymore. three years later, it is nothing but a bump in the road compared to what happened when greg got out of the hospital. three years after our child is born, i am walking away from the life i once dreamed of living. one that included little alicia marie sanders and greg blake sanders and sara elizabeth sanders.

_i am going to the bathroom_.

as i walk down the narrow aisle towards the back of the plane, i remind myself why i am keeping alicia marie's last name sanders instead of heltkin. because i owe it to greg to keep her name the same as her father's. it was one of the last things we ever agreed on.

_ma'am, are you okay?_

the flight attendant knocks on the bathroom door when she hears my heaves and gags. i tell her i never liked flying and that i'll be fine in a moment. really, i am throwing up because my mind is spinning and tumbling in confusion and chaos, trying to remember how everything went so terribly wrong.

_here, have a ginger ale. it will help soothe your stomach._

the doctors told me that greg would never be quite the same as before, but i never expected what happened to happen. greg threw out all of his old shirts and bought all new, black, tan and white button downs with no designs. he cut his hair short like nick's and secluded himself like grissom. grissom seemed personable compared to greg.

_i missed you when you were in the bathroom._

at home, he would get confused as to why everything was happening the way it was. he still didn't fully remember what happened at the accident and never could remember some stuff prior to being shot and hitting his head. his work never suffered, but one day i came home to find that his CD player and CDs from the lab were back on a shelf in the living room.

"what happened greg? why did everything change?"

little alicia marie was born five months after he returned home from the hospital, and that was when things got worse. his work began to suffer because he spent every waking and breathing moment with her - - by choice. grissom told him that he knew a newborn could be rough, that he was allowed a few days off. vincent could fill in for a few days.

_sara, do you really want to talk about this? you always start crying when you talk about greg and what happened. this is our honeymoon - - let's just leave that behind. okay sweetie?_

greg was right. when i was happy and wasn't thinking about every word that came out of my mouth, i would bring up a story about something greg had said or done before everything changed. midway through the story i would stop and remember that things would never be like that again. and i would start crying and people would get scared, because i would start having something that just felt short of a panic attack.

"i want everything to go back to the way they were. i don't want anything to change."

i broke up and moved out when alicia marie was just over a year old and looking back, i brought greg's world crashing down on him. all he had was alicia marie and i and now he didn't even have that. he went so far into himself that even nick - - who had stuck by greg's side longer than anyone else, myself included - - was afraid that greg would do something drastic and we would never see him again.

_sara, are you okay? you look pale._

greg tried resigning of both his CSI level 1/DNA lab tech responsibilities, but grissom wouldn't let him. his excuse was that i had tried so hard to keep from losing my job the first time that it wouldn't be fair to just up and quit now. so greg stuck around and soon became a full time CSI and started dating the new lab tech. and i have never felt so crushed

"i want to go home with my greg."

i guess part of me starting dating greg so i could brag about my new boyfriend just as much as greg talked about olivia, his girlfriend. but they broke up the day after greg proposed to me, and i don't think it was a coincidence either.

_this isn't suppose to be our honeymoon - - this was for me and greg._

before the wedding, i privately talked with greg for about four or five hours. we talked about where we stood and where to go from here. even though he had been my ex-boyfriend for close to one and a half years, i still respected his wishes since we shared a child. we agreed that we would treat our relationship like a divorce and alicia marie would split her time between our two homes - - if he cleaned up his act. alicia marie would keep her last name of sanders.

_honey, what are you talking about?_

before i left his house, he cried like there was no tomorrow. the last time he cried like that was when nick and catherine had him confront his attacker face-to-face at the PD. when greg spoke to him, it was the first time he had talked since his memory check right after he woke up from his coma.

"i don't know anymore."

and as soon as i heard greg speak to his attacker, my heart broke and i wanted to grab him up in a hug and never leave him. his voice was fragile and quiet, hoarse and broken. he had to lick his lips and swallow every few words, but he made it through the confrontation. after he left the interrogation room, he threw up on the tile floor, the garbage can just a few strides away.

_you should sleep for a little bit sara. i think you are still in shock about the wedding._

i look up and stare at greg. we have been dating for close to two years and he still didn't understand what the situation with greg had done to me. how i had to earn back my respect after barely managing to keep my job. how tough it was to raise a child on my own and work nightshift at the lab. what me breaking up with greg did to both of us. i could explain it a million times and even though greg claims he knows how i feel - - and felt - - he really doesn't. no one could. sometimes, i don't think greg and i fully understand how our lives have changed because of everything that happened.

"sara?"

I look over at Greg and realize that the airplane seat is no longer there, but replaced with a cold, white hospital bed. And instead of my husband Greg being there, it's my Greg and I don't think I've ever been so happy in my entire life to see Greg.

"Sara, will you come lay with me?"

I am in shock after a moment after hearing his voice. It is the first time I have heard it in close to three months and it's the greatest sound I have ever heard. I jump up from my chair and kiss him hard, bracing myself by clutching the sides of his face. My eyes are closed, but I can sense the shocked expression on his face.

"I love you Greg. Not anyone else named Greg, but only you."

He looks at me like I am crazy. I just grin and crawl into the hospital bed with him, holding him close. I made the mistake of leaving him once - - even though it was only my dreams - - and I won't do it again. I will stay faithful and we will raise Alicia Marie in one house, under one last name. We will go on our honeymoon together to Europe and will bring back our baby girl some dolls from wherever we go.

"I heard you talking in your dream."

I freeze. he heard what I said? what all did he hear? because if I remember correctly, I said a lot of stuff. I turn to look at him and he is smiling faintly as his morphine begins kicking in again.

"Don't worry," he whispers. "I heard all the good stuff."

And suddenly, it doesn't matter anymore what he heard me say. Because he knows that I love him and would go to the end of the world for him. He knows that I want us to live happily ever after with our child. As I watch him close his eyes, I smile and pull him closer, gripping his hand in my own.

"I love you," I whisper in his ear.

And that is all that matters right now.

"I know," he says in reply. So quietly that I almost miss it.

I kiss the hairline on the back of his neck and close my eyes, feeling sleep take over my body. And this time I fall asleep happy and content.

Because there are such things as happy endings.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I realized, after the reviews, that last chapter was a bit confusing and I apologize. If you would like me to explain it to you, just contact me through email and I would gladly explain.

Now is where I explain myself and why I haven't update for so long.

Yes, every good author gets writer's block and mine was of the worst kind. The last time I updated was the night before I left for a week-long tournament in Reno, Nevada for volleyball. Obviously, I was unable to access a computer. Nine days after my return, my family and I left for eleven days for vacation in Disney World, yet another time when I was unable to access a computer. We returned on a Thursday night and the following week, I had volleyball camp from 9 to 4 everyday. I skipped camp Thursday [the last day] to drive to Seattle for my youngest sister's soccer tournament and arrived home late Saturday. On top of all of this, I have had a writer's block.

Fortunately, my good friend Erin replied to an email I had sent her between trips and was able to give me the perfect ending for this story. **SO THANK YOU ERIN FOR ALL OF YOUR AWESOME HELP AND REVIEWS.**

Now that I think I am officially done explaining everything, I wish to inform you that there are three, _maybe _four chapters left in this story. It depends on how much I am going to elaborate on the smaller details of things I need to wrap up. This most likely has only two more chapters following this one.

**One last note** - - I lost track of how far along Sara is in the pregnancy and couldn't find a distinguished timeline in the past chapters of how far along Sara was, so I stated it here in this chapter again.

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grissom let me keep my job. although i have a week's paid suspension, again, i am able to stay home and care for greg.

he was released from the hospital a day before grissom gave me the good news. our apartment is filled with balloons and flowers and gifts and cards and someone sent over a huge teddy bear. greg silently wanders around and looks at everything, taking it all in. occasionally i see him glance at a photograph on a table, studying it for just a second before moving on.

when i was bringing greg back from the hospital, i watched the path of the windshield wipers. one of them has something stuck on the rubber, so this one line on my windshield never gets wiped away. greg never spoke a word and i don't try to start conversation.

i am seven months pregnant and haven't seen my feet for weeks.

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today is the day i have been dreading. nick and catherine want me to bring greg in to the station and watch as they interrogate their one and only suspect, henry simmons. they want greg to stand behind the glass.

at first, i had to fully explain to greg, again, what had happened so far in his case. not about what had happened to him, but what evidence the two CSIs had.

i wait for him by the front door and i pick at the week-old nail polish, while greg is getting ready to go. i asked greg a few minutes ago if he needed any help finding stuff, but greg insisted on finding it himself.

greg is somewhat talking again. he'll talk when people strike up a conversation with him and he makes no effort to try and cut off the friendly chat. but he won't start a conversation by himself and usually he prefers to be quiet. talking, for him, just causes uneasy questions and situations to form that he would rather just avoid.

he comes out of our bedroom dressed in a tight, black sweater and khaki pants. he has on black doc martins and the only thing showing of the old greg is his spiked, golden brown hair.

i never noticed before how white his teeth were.

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everyone stares at greg when he walks down the hall and when i catch sight of catherine standing outside one of the interrogation rooms, i see her eyebrows furrow as she tries to figure out what the hell greg is dressed in. but she smiles when greg gives her a weird look..

she hugs greg and involuntarily, greg flinches. catherine, if she noticed, didn't let go and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

'good to have you back, greg!' catherine stated. her and i talked for a little bit about the baby. she was going to bring over the entire nightshift one day and together they were going to prepare the baby's room.

'alicia marie,' i said proudly when she asked for the baby's name. during one of my visits to the hospital to see greg, i went for an ultrasound and determined i was going to have a baby girl. i showed greg the picture for the ultrasound and i haven't gotten it back yet.

after a few minutes, catherine led greg and i to behind the glass and greg froze when he saw henry in the room. i felt greg scramble to grip my hand. he was scared. catherine glanced at me with uneasiness but i shrugged.

through the glass i saw nick and brass enter the interrogation room. nick calmly sat down across from mr. simmons and opened up his casefile. inside was not only pictures of the crime scene, but pictures of greg's wounds.

i could hear greg stop breathing.

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the whole interrogation was a blur and it wasn't until henry simmons was taken away in handcuffs that i realized greg hadn't moved and i was crying. my fingers were numb from greg' grip and i finally breath.

i never did understand the random acts of violence, and maybe i never will. i can understand attacking someone you know for a certain reason, but people you don't...

greg's hand slid from mine but he just stood there. i slipped out into the hall to see nick and catherine and i saw nick's hands shaking.

i look him in the eye and neither of us smile. 'thank you,' i say quietly. 'this means a lot to me and greg. and even though he may not say it, greg is thankful.'

greg walks past the three of us and out to the car without saying a word. i wave goodbye and rush out to meet him.

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The baby's room is a baby blue color with grass and flowers painted along the border nearest the floor. In one corner is a bright, orange-yellow sun and the sky is filled with white, whipped clouds and colorful butterflies.

I never knew Warrick and Grissom were such excellent artists.

Nick and Greg dealt with building the crib and assembling the dresser, changing table and book shelf. All were a beautiful white color and fit in perfectly with the walls. Later, Warrick and Grissom painted designs on the furniture. They personalized Alicia's bed and painted beautiful rainbows up the side of the dresser and changing table. Up the book shelf, they painted wildflowers.

Catherine came shopping with me and together we picked out clothes, toys, bedding and other miscellaneous baby supplies - - car seat, bathtub, bottles, burp clothes, diapers and anything else Catherine suggested. We also picked out some pictures to hang on the walls. It was a fun day out, just the two girls.

Everyone, unbeknownst to me, bought a gift for the baby. Greg bought a stereo and some Baby's First CDs. Nick and Warrick, together, bought me a rocking chair that matched our already existing furniture.

Catherine bought me a few workout videos and I laughed because just that morning I had been complaining about how I was going to loose all the weight I had gained. Lindsay bought me three jumbo bags of crispy M & Ms, because I have been craving them like no other.

Then Grissom, being the class act that he is, bought a bunch of books, including a set of the World Book Encyclopedia - - which no one really understood why a newborn would need them - - and books about bugs. That made everyone laugh.

Our laughing was cut short when the smoke detector went off - - our Ziti was burning in the oven.

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i woke up to an empty bed and found greg wandering in the baby's room. in his hand was the ultrasound picture.

he didn't seem interested in one particular thing, but he ran his hand along the painted clouds. greg wandered over to the bed and just stood over it, staring down at the empty crib. i thought i heard him cry, but when he turned again and the moonlight lit up his face, his eyes weren't even watery.

greg turned and saw me watching him. for a moment, neither of us moved, but just continued to stare at the other. but after a minute he shook his head like he had dazed out before sitting down in the rocking chair adjacent to the crib.

i felt the baby kick and i looked up at greg.

he was watching me as i stood in the white doorway.

the rocking chair was silent as it rocked back and forth.

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I go into see Grissom when my week is up and tell him that I want to take my maternity leave in three weeks. He doesn't seem surprised at all, to say the least.

"You're huge," he comments. "And I'm not saying that to be rude. It looks like you aren't just having one child, but more like two or three." I laugh and ease my way into a chair because my feet are throbbing. I barely fit and we both laugh this time.

grissom hands me the forms to fill out after we talk for a little bit and before i get up to leave, i let out a sad sigh.

'want to talk about it?' grissom asks. i shake my head, deciding that it is best not to unload on my boss when my body is raging with hormones, i am thirty-two pounds heavier than a year ago and i am not in a good mood to begin with.

he probably knows what i am upset about anyway. it's no big secret that greg is becoming more secluded and it's getting harder and harder to help him get back to the life he used to live.

i thank him and walk out.

**[Ziti is a pasta dish using ziti noodles (they resemble tubes about two inches long) along with Parmesan cheese, some other weird cheese and tomato sauce all mixed together in one pan, then cooked so the cheese melts.]**


	25. Chapter Twenty Five

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: Second to last chapter folks! Sorry if this chapter isn't as good as the rest, but I am still upset after reading the latest chapters of _All Fall Down_ by Wintertime. Like, _crying_ upset. You should read the story if you already haven't.

i waited an extra week to take my maternity leave. my doctor said not to take the leave until i was just too exhausted to even walk, but it was totally up to me. and you know me - - i don't stop until i drop.

greg was beginning to help a lot more now that the due date was looming. he was reading a few books in his spare time about being a great father and every time i saw him, i felt this pang in my heart - - and a bad pang at that.

we were both really excited, and the lab constantly provided a steady stream of gifts and cards. catherine stopped by everyday to see how i was doing. i listened to her more than i would a dr. phil or oprah book - - neither one of them had given birth, so how could they be experts?

when i was finally too exhausted to think, catherine drove me into work. i walked into grissom's office and handed him the two envelopes.

his features went from a bright smile to a look of confusion in a matter of seconds. 'what is this?' he asked, holding up the envelopes.

i gave him a faint smile and went to find catherine so she could bring me home.

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'he hasn't proposed yet?' catherine asked, worried. i shook my head. 'maybe he is too afraid to ask for your hand in marriage after all that has happened.'

the suggestion made total sense, and for a second i was almost convinced. 'i'm sure the baby being born will put things in more perspective for him. right now, i am not too worried about having a rock on my finger.'

i was worried about other things.

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"I CAN'T PUSH ANYMORE!" I screamed, then yelled in pain.

Greg was on my right side, holding my hand. I was squeezing his hand and pelvic muscles with all of my might and it felt like I was going to die.

"You can do it Sara. The baby is crowning. Just push a little more honey." I glared at the nurse and pushed once more, screaming.

I looked at Greg, who was looking between my legs. His face was a mixture of horror and sheer happiness and I laughed. That quickly turned into a scream and I pushed once more and heard the baby cry.

"Oh my God Sara," Greg said. He turned to look at me with that grin I had missed so much. "One more push baby, you can do it."

I heard the baby crying, saw the ear-to-ear grin on Greg's face and screamed as I pushed one final time.

The nurses were all over the baby, wiping it clean. "Congratulations, it's a girl!"

I loosened my grip on Greg's hand and dropped my head against the pillow. My hair was sticking to my face from sweat, tiny drops rolling down my neck. Greg grabbed the sides of my face and kissed me.

"Would the proud dad like to cut the umbilical cord?" one of the nurses inquired. Greg nodded and grabbed the scissors handed to him, cutting where another nurse instructed.

The baby was handed to me wrapped in blankets. I cried when I saw her. I held her close, looking down at her beautiful brown eyes. She definitely had her father's eyes.

Greg sat down next to me and smiled at the baby. "She's beautiful," he said. I handed Greg the baby and he smiled like no other. "Look what we did Sara." He rocked the baby back and forth slowly and she fell asleep in his arms. "This is amazing."

Someone asked me what her name was so they could fill out the birth certificate. Greg and I exchanged hesitant glances. We had never seriously talked about names, but I have had one in mind since the beginning.

Alicia Marie Sidle is what I said and Greg didn't bother to correct me.

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Greg is always the one attending to Alicia when she is crying, and he tells me that I need to rest up. I give him the same excuse for wanting to help take care of Alicia - - Greg is going back into work for a temporary assessment by Grissom and he will need to be on top of his game. Everyone wants him back and Greg has faith that he can do his job just as well as he did before, even though he doesn't remember that very well.

Greg leaves Alicia and I alone when she has to be fed. I think he is still trying to adjust to this whole fatherhood thing.

But I see moments of greatness. Occasionally I'll join him in calming down Alicia and when I get to the baby's room, Greg will be sitting in the rocking chair with Alicia wrapped in the pastel blue sheets from her bed. Greg will be singing songs to her quietly, not bothering to get up and turn on the CD player.

When I left the hospital the day after Alicia is born, my stomach is back to its normal size bonus stretch marks. As soon as Alicia can manage to be put down for an hour without crying, I will be doing those tapes Catherine gave me.

I don't worry about work anymore. I wish Greg the best of luck when he goes in for his assessment and cook him his favorite meal when Grissom clears him. People stop by to see the baby and the beautiful brown eyes she has become famous for.

People tell Greg and me all the time how much she looks like her dad. I agree with them but Greg is in denial. He thinks that maybe Alicia has his eyes - - he can't deny that - - but thinks that Alicia has my mouth and nose.

It doesn't matter. She is beautiful and I love her.

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greg is at work and alicia is sleeping. i take this opportune to call my parents in san francisco to tell them about how the baby is doing and how life with greg is panning out.

i talk to my dad for only five or ten minutes before my mother, amanda sidle, gets home from grocery shopping. we start talking and don't stop until alicia starts crying from the next room.

'we miss you here,' amanda says tiredly. 'you don't come home for christmas and your brother jack is telling people that you ran off with the circus.' i hear my mother let out a relaxed sigh on the other end.

_sounds like jack_ i tell myself. my head whips around to look at the baby monitor when i think that i hear alicia crying. but she isn't making a noise.

'how's the baby?' amanda inquires. in the background, i hear _let's make a deal!_ playing. that's my dad's favorite show and has been since the beginning of time.

'alicia is beautiful and amazing. did you get the pictures i sent you?'

its a moment or two before my mother answers. 'yeah i did. she looks exactly like greg, don't you think?' i laugh and she doesn't get it. 'speaking of greg, when are you two getting married?'

i flinch. i want to say _we aren't getting married because greg hasn't propose_ or maybe even _greg won't propose to me because he felt down a flight of stairs and was shot at a crime scene and now he doesn't even remember loving me._ 'we haven't set a definitive date yet. but when we do, we'll let you know.'

that seemed to be a satisfying answer for my mother and she changed subjects. 'so when are you going to introduce alicia to the family? she has to meet her grandparents some time!'

i sense the enthusiasm in her voice. when i told her greg and i were in a serious relationship back when things were normal, she was excited about the fact that she might have grandchildren.

my parents don't know the whole truth though. they don't know about me almost losing my job, or greg getting hurt at the crime scene. she doesn't know that greg doesn't love me anymore.

'soon mom, soon. i promise.'

i hear her giggles on the other end. 'i am so excited!'

_i bet you are._ 'listen mom, i think i hear alicia waking up. talk to you later.'

the apartment is silent when i hang up the phone.


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

**AUTHOR'S NOTE**: I have to give total credit to Erin - - she pretty much wrote this last chapter and all I had to do was put it into story format. So thank Erin for the ending, not me.

Because of the ideas she came up with, this chapter is different than all the others in both format and POV. It will be third person POV and not Sara's.

There will be a few notes at the end.

**Krazy**: Nice Krazy, real nice. And don't remind me about what Wintertime did - - I am still reeling from that.

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_"Made my mistakes, let you down_

_And I can't, I can't hold on for too long._

_Ran my whole life in the ground_

_And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone."_

- Yellowcard, "Only One"

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Sara never remembered a piece of furniture being so uncomfortable before. She kept shifting her body, trying to be comfortable for just a second, so she could look at Greg. But he was staring at the far wall and wasn't speaking and it seemed like she may never be able to sit still for a few seconds

Alicia looks at Greg and squeals. She's three months old and is the dream child. Everyday, Sara looks at Alicia and sees Greg. Her chocolate brown eyes compliment her golden brown hair that naturally jets out from her scalp in a spiked mess like how Greg wears his own. Once, Sara heard Greg talking to her and say, "don't tell anyone, but you got your good looks from me."

But now they are both silent and Alicia is beginning to fall asleep in Sara's arms.

Greg is staring at the two suitcases by the front door, filled with Sara's clothes and pictures and memories. Alicia's diaper bag and small box for her belongings are lost amongst the three large boxes full of Sara's books and journals and prized possessions. Someone is coming later this afternoon to ship everything to Sara and Alicia's new home.

They have been sitting in silence ever since Greg came home from work a few hours ago. He came home and saw Sara packing the last of her own things. Greg and Sara didn't speak as they packed Alicia's things into a small box and prepared her diaper bag. They were silent as they stacked Sara's things by the door and with one look to the other, they agreed to sit next to each other on the couch and wait.

Sara hesitantly dropped her free hand onto Greg's knee and he looks at her. Greg's eyes are glistening with tears and Sara can see that his hands are shaking.

"This whole situation is unfair to everyone involved," Sara says quietly. Her own voice surprises her because she didn't know that she even planned on explaining to Greg why she was leaving without any explanation. Because the note crumpled in the garbage can was going to be her goodbye and not what was happening now. She didn't want to have to say goodbye to Greg's face because Sara knew Greg would blame himself when really, everything that happened in the past year was Sara's own selfish desire to be with her boyfriend. Sara never planned on sitting next to Greg on the cold couch but more of Greg coming home to all traces of Sara Elizabeth Sidle and Alicia Marie Sidle gone from his apartment, because now it really was just his apartment. There was no one to share it with.

And it really was unfair. Because Sara ruined Greg's life and Greg was making life hard for Sara. At first, Sara just considered taking a "break" from Greg, but she realized that just moving back into her apartment instead of Greg's wouldn't do the trick. She actually needed to get away from Greg - - and Vegas.

"I can't expect you to say 'Forever and Always' to a woman you don't remember falling in love with. It has been eight months since you came to stay with me after your release and you don't really know me." She feels the hot tears streaking down her face, some dripping onto Alicia's blanket, and through her blurry vision she catches some rolling down Greg's cheeks. He doesn't speak, and Sara thinks that he couldn't if her tried. Greg looks down at his hands and watches as his tears pool in his palms.

"It's my fault," he squeaks out is a hoarse whisper.

Sara remembers the dream and how happy she was to hear Greg's voice, no matter how he sounded. And now, this was what she was hearing and all of a sudden she didn't want to hear it. She didn't like it and convinced herself that she hated it. Because his weak, small voice could single handedly stop her from leaving. And after all this time, she realized that too much had happened to stick around any longer. And this wasn't the voice she wanted to wake up to. She wanted Greg's voice back.

Sara wipes her face and clears her throat. "This isn't your fault Greg. I don't blame you at all." She is getting more choked up every second. "I'm not angry about you not loving me anymore. In fact, I don't blame you for not loving me anymore, because I don't love you anymore either."

He looks at her and his face is wet with tears, eyes blood shot and red-rimmed. Greg's nose is turning red and Sara can see the pulse in his neck racing. "I'm sorry," he whispers, not breaking eye contact with her. She moves her hand from his knee to grip one of his hands.

"The man I loved, the man who is Alicia's father, died a year ago at a crime scene he wasn't supposed to be at. He was shot and hit his head as he fell down a flight of cement stairs." Sara sees that Greg's whole body is beginning to tremble. "My Greg died a year ago."

Sara waits for Greg to just explode but the emotional breakdown never happens. His crying doesn't change to heart-wrenching sobs; head doesn't drop into his hands. Instead, Greg inched away from Sara just the slightest bit. Sara's hand slid from his knee to a warm spot on the couch and all of a sudden, her leaving just got harder.

She prepares herself for the cab that should be arriving soon and stands up slowly as not to wake Alicia. Alicia Marie Sidle, and Sara is suddenly glad she put down Sidle as the last name on the birth certificate instead of Sanders because that would just cause unnerving questions to be asked and then Alicia would want to know whose last name she had.

Sure, in time Alicia would ask who her real daddy was - - unless Sara got married when Alicia was young enough not to remember having a father - - and then Sara would have to explain how she used to work at the Las Vegas Crime Lab in Nevada. How Greg was her boyfriend and how she nearly got him killed. How Greg stuck around to be the father but they never got married. And how Greg never loved Sara again and how Sara fell out of love with Greg.

Greg looks at her as Sara walks into the kitchen and scribbles down a phone number. "My father offered up to let Alicia and I live with them, which will be good because my mom can take of Alicia while I work. Here's the number."

He takes the number from her hand and tucks it in his pocket. Sara tries not to look at Greg's crushed expression. "San Francisco isn't that far from Vegas, Greg - - you should come and visit sometimes. Meet my folks, see your baby girl. I would like to see you. . .that is, if you get the chance to visit."

Greg nods. "If I am ever in the neighborhood, I'll make sure to drop in." Sara can sense the sarcasm and bitterness in his voice, but isn't surprised - - she would act the same way if she were in his position.

He says something, but Sara didn't hear him. Greg repeated the question: "When did you hand in your resignation?"

"Oh. When I handed in my maternity leave."

I try to look at Greg but he is staring out the front window.

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Sara does one last round of Greg's apartment before coming back into the family room to find Greg standing there with a small wrapped box in his hand.

Oh God, please don't let that be an engagement ring Sara begs. Please, I can't take that. Not now, not after everything that has happened.

He scuffs his feet against the edge of the carpet and hands Sara the box. "Happy Anniversary," he whispers.

Happy Anniversary? Is today really...oh God. Sara hands Greg the sleeping Alicia and takes the gift with caution. She hears the contents shifting inside.

For a moment, Sara feels a twinge of guilt for forgetting about their anniversary since it is one of the few things Greg does remember about their relationship. But the feeling passes quickly and she looks at Greg's empty eyes.

Maybe I won't open it now Sara thinks. Then she sees how disappointed Greg looks that she isn't more excited and now she has to. Sara carefully pulls at the seams, not wanting to rip the paper. She drops the sheet of paper on the ground as she stops to stare at the black velvet box, feeling it with the tips of her fingers.

Sara takes a deep breath and flips open the lid, revealing a beautiful necklace inside. It's a thin, silver chain with two small pendants attached - - a heart and a star, each baring one diamond. Sara is speechless and Greg offers to put it on. Sara considers just leaving it in the box because the silver star and heart look beautiful against the black velvet but decides it will look nicer on.

Greg hands Sara back Alicia and wraps the necklace around her neck, lifting up her hair to connect the chain. "It looks beautiful on you," he whispers into her ear, making her jump. Greg kisses her lightly on the cheek and its awkward and Sara wonders if he kisses the same now, because she hasn't really kissed him since he came home but decides that even the way he kisses her has changed. "Happy One-Year Anniversary," Greg whispers into her ear, stepping away from her.

And that was the last straw for Sara.

"This isn't fair," Sara choked out between her tears. "You can't do this to me before I leave. My bags are by the door, damnit! I am leaving in ten minutes and you have to give me the freaking' present now!?" Her voice has risen to a low roar and Alicia slowly begins to wake up in her arms.

Greg looks hurt and winces when Alicia begins to cry. Sara huffs and walks to the diaper bag, grabbing Alicia's binkie and sticking the rubber into her mouth, immediately silencing the wailing baby. "Why did you have to do this?" Sara asks silently and turns to Greg.

She really doesn't care what he has to say but asks anyway and she's sure he'll give her an answer because there is some quirky explanation behind all of Greg's mannerisms even if he isn't the same man she fell in love with.

"It's the only thing from our original relationship that survived my memory loss, so it was important to me." He paused to contemplate something for a second. "A bit ironic that our one-year anniversary is the day you choose to leave."

Sara and Greg fall silent. Greg retreats to his original position on the couch and Sara sat down in a chair across the chair, rocking Alicia slowly and whispering lullaby songs in her tiny pink ear.

The taxi beeps its horn at three to seven.

Sara grabs the diaper bag and slings it over her shoulder. Greg looks up at Sara with watery eyes, sniffling his nose. Alicia wakes up with her mother's motions and stares at her father with confusion painted across her face.

Her hand is on the doorknob when she stops, slowly turning to look at Greg. "If I could go back in time, I would never let you go to that crime scene. I am sorry for this mess Greg, I really am."

Greg stares at her, his body trembling and a small tear escapes the corner of his eye. "I forgive you Sara."

Sara yanks open the apartment door when the taxi honks again. Securing the diaper bag on one shoulder, she stuffs her own purse inside the bag. With one last sweep with her eyes, Sara walks out the door. She turns back one last time. "Bye Greg."

She doesn't give Greg a chance to reply before she slams the door behind her and walks out to her cab, leaving Greg on the couch with a solitary tear on his cheek.

Greg reaches into his pocket and pulls out the small piece of paper beside the phone number Sara gave him. He stared at Alicia's ultrasound picture, the only picture of her he had left.

He didn't have any of Sara.

"Bye Sara," Greg whispered.

The single tear rolled down his cheek and dripped onto the picture.

_It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all._

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**A FEW LAST NOTES**:

1. Per request of a few readers, I am going to explain what the text meant.

The quality of the grammar [capitals, quotations marks, etc.] was based on Sara's mood. So if the grammar was poor, that meant Sara was upset. The better the grammar, the better of a mood Sara was. I think the best example of the text is Chapter 23, where he mood literally changed from one paragraph to the next.

2. All medical information explained in this story is factual. Researched was conducted for factual information.


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